Embrace Expectancy, Overcome Expectation

I was today years old when I learned there was a difference between these two words: expectation and expectancy. Seriously…They meant the same thing to me!

It actually took me back to a few years ago when I had a friend lecture me about having expectations of people. “That’s how you get disappointed Tari,” she said to me. At the time, it didn’t make sense to me. I expected people to behave in a certain way, to treat me in a certain way because I had been kind to and considerate of them in past interactions. But, I quickly learned that that’s not really how life goes. Another friend is always telling me, “Stop expecting other people to behave or react how you would in a particular situation.” We are all different. We have different priorities, levels of integrity, moral compasses, you name it. We are not the same, and, most importantly, we are not perfect.

Then a few weeks ago, as I was listening to a discussion on an episode on Better Together TV, I heard one of the ladies talk about why we need to stop having expectations and instead have an expectancy. Huh? Yes, that was my reaction, literally. I rewinded. What are you saying? Immediately, I started looking up definitions for these two words as a start, because to me, “it didn’t sound right”. But how they unpacked it all blew my mind away and I immediately put this title in my drafts because I needed to share it with someone.

Now, according to Oxford, expectation is defined as a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. It’s rigid, it’s fixed and 99.999% of the time, it’s tied to a specific expected outcome. I hate saying this, but it actually reeks of entitlement. Of course, going back to my conversation with my friend, I started thinking, was I being entitled? OK, let’s keep going. I did create a picture in my mind of how things were supposed to unfold and, as my friend literally put it, I set myself up for disappointment because what then happened to me in reality didn’t match what I had established in my head. Sigh!

Think about this: If you are expecting a promotion at work because you’ve been putting in extra hours, you are going to be very frustrated if and when it doesn’t materialise. I remember when I used to work at the bank, very long hours during my time as a graduate trainee. The major reason I was doing it was because it gave me an opportunity to learn more. There were so many distractions during the day from colleagues needing help and support and we would only get that focus time after hours, when everyone had gone home. That was the major reason. Now, on another side of my brain and soul, I was thinking, if they see me putting my head down like this, working hard (and late) they would see that I deserved a raise, a promotion and more resources on my team to support the work we were doing so that we didn’t have to put in these long hours. That was my expectation. And when it hardly materialised in the way I pictured in my head, it led to a great deal of frustration on my part. I’m sure you all know by now how that story unfolded.

Outside of work, let’s think about friendships or any social relationship we can think of. This is where I was struggling with this because if I had been a good friend (sister, daughter or partner) to you, I expected you to extend the same “kindness” or “graciousness” or “loyalty” to me when I needed it. And if I didn’t get that, best believe, I’m going to be beyond disappointed. I’m going to be pissed! And this is what my friend was trying to rescue me from because she could tell how disappointed I was. And I remember thinking, how can I just go through life expecting the worst from people because that’s how I then translated it. It was either black or white. You either do or you don’t. And because I kept having these expectations, I continued to feel a lot of disappointment and sometimes even resentment and bitterness.

Now, expectancy on the other hand, is the thinking, hoping or feeling that something, especially something pleasant, will happen or be the case – as the Cambridge dictionary puts it. It’s more fluid, open, and adaptable. When we live with expectancy, we are hopeful and optimistic without being tied to a specific outcome. That last part – without being tied to a specific outcome. Expectancy allows us to remain positive and open to various possibilities, reducing the sting of disappointment. Personally, it actually reminds me to maintain the posture of knowing that “No experience is wasted”. Everything is happening for my better good and this scripture has never been more true “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” – Romans 8:28 NKJV

In my journey of life, shifting from expectation to expectancy has been a game-changer, especially for my emotional and mental well being. When I expect people to treat me a certain way, any deviation from my script leads to hurt feelings and resentment. But embracing expectancy means I can hope for positive interactions while understanding that people are complex and unpredictable and also making space for that. This mindset shift has not only improved how I approach and navigate my relationships but also my own sense of peace.

Consider this: with expectancy, you can still hope for that promotion, but you’re open to other opportunities and outcomes. Maybe you won’t get that specific promotion, but perhaps another exciting project or role will come your way. Expectancy keeps your mind and heart open to the myriad of possibilities life can offer. So, why is expectancy better? Because it builds in us resilience and fosters flexibility. It encourages us to stay optimistic without being crushed by unmet expectations. It allows us to navigate life’s uncertainties with a delicate kindness, grace and openness to ourselves and others, making room for unexpected joys and opportunities. Switching from expectation to expectancy won’t happen overnight. I still find myself caught up in that trap of suffering disappointment resulting from expectation and have had to make a conscious effort to change the way I think and perceive the world. I strongly believe the rewards are worth it.

So, embrace expectancy, and watch how it transforms your outlook and your life.

P.S. I tried to look for the specific episode I was listening to on Better Together TV but I can’t seem to find it. I should have put it in when I started this draft. When I do find it, I will come back and update the link. I highly recommend all of their episodes though :D